A Charlie Gal: Too much. Too soon.

As amazing as this year began, it has quickly taken a very quick spin in a very scary direction. I had every intention on writing about my goals and hopes for this year upon my return, but have been completely side-winded since my return from el lago.

Early morning on NYE, a beautiful girl named Esme Barrera was tragically murdered in her home. I had very few encounters with her, however a lot of very special to me were extremely close with her. She was a big part of the Austin music scene from a million different levels - fan, mentor at Girls Rock Camp, part-timer at Waterloo Records, and an all around live music enthusiast. Although I did not know her personally, I feel like we have very similar stories. She was 29, and her killer has not been found. He's still out there.

I really am not trying to turn this tragic loss towards myself, but as a single girl I can't help but worry. My first night back home I was terrified. I literally jumped at every sound outside my window. I called my neighbor and embarrassedly admitted I was afraid, I thought I heard something but it could have been all in my head. He went out and scoped the area, then reassured me there was nothing and told me to call him if I heard anything else. I slept a solid 2 hours before I had to go to work. Last night was a little different but not much. I went over to visit with him before going to bed and asked him to walk with me 20 feet so I could lock the door while I was still in his sight. Am I crazy?

I checked my windows and then sent an email to my landlords asking for reinforcement locks on my windows and replacement bulbs for our parking lot motion detector light. When I finally fell asleep, I had nightmares of opening my eyes and seeing a shadowy man standing next to my bed. What would I do if that had been real? Could I protect myself? Could I unlock my iphone fast enough to call for help? You don't have to answer that because I already have. How could this have happened to her? Imagine her fear.

This tragedy has changed so many people. My timelines are flooded with posts about her, and with every single mention of her name my heart sinks. She was walking home from a night of celebrating the beginning of a new year. In a city that thrives on being pedestrian and cyclist friendly what do you do? I live in Clarksville and there have been many nights I go for walks to gaze up at our moon towers or walk to my favorite coffee shop or bookstore. No more. There was a meteor shower this morning I would have loved to see, and last week I probably would have, but I just couldn't do it. Today I got home just as the sun was beginning to set and couldn't help but stare longer at the man walking his dog on my block. Was it him? Was he planning something? Am I next?

On my front door a I have little note to myself as a daily reminder. It says, "Live in fear or live in faith...choose wisely." I find myself reading that more and more lately. Living in fear is awful, and these last few days I don't think I've ever been so scared. I have never been afraid to live in this city, but right now everything just has a different light.

I realize this is no way to start a new year. As my neighbor said as a means to comfort me, "Maybe this year had to begin like this, there is no way this year can get any worse now, right?" I just don't know. I just hope that this tragic, tragic loss will be as much as an eye-opener to my friends as it has been to me. We are not invincible, and mortality is not just for those 55+.

I'm sure I can go on and on about how I'm feeling and how I wish I had been given the opportunity to really know Esme, but I think I'll just leave it where it is. Heaven has a new angel.

In loving memory of Esme Barrera.